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November 30th, 2009:

The Clueless Wonder Strikes Again

Nov 30th, 2009
by Richard Hornsby.
24 comments

So it was brought to my attention that E! Online turned to High Profile Attorney Jose Baez for his opinion on the Tiger Woods case. (E!: So What Kind of Charges Could Tiger Woods Face?)

Now I would like to point out that E! attributed the source of the comments in their story to High Profile Florida Criminal Attorney Jose Baez. They did not show a picture, a link, or give an address – so I could be wrong about who the source for their article was, and because of this I will just refer to this Jose Baez as the Clueless Wonder for simplicity’s sake :-)

In any event, I wish I could say I was shocked by the Clueless Wonder’s not-so-expert opinion, but let us just say I was not.

So before the world goes completely mad, I would like to discuss what the Clueless Wonder had to say. Let’s start with the first excerpt from their story: So What Kind of Charges Could Tiger Woods Face?.

High-profile Florida criminal attorney Jose Baez tells E! News that Woods’ seeming refusal to speak with FHP troopers could result in several misdemeanor charges, including obstruction of justice, resisting arrest without violence, criminal mischief and possibly even driving under the influence.

Now I don’t have a lot of time on my hands, but I am really beginning to think the Clueless Wonder does not even practice law in Florida, much less criminal law. Because a first year law student would know that the first three charges the Clueless Wonder cites would never apply to Tiger Woods’ situation.

But rather than just tell you, and expect you to believe me, I am going to break down each of the Clueless Wonder’s ridiculous responses.

Obstruction of Justice

Where do I start with this one. How about there is no crime called Obstruction of Justice in Florida – I swear on my comic books.

Rather, there are a group of crimes that fall under the category of Obstructing Justice. These individual crimes can be found in Chapter 843, Florida Statutes, which is ironically titled Obstructing Justice (No I am not kidding you).

Chapter 843 lists 27 different statutes which criminalize Obstructing Justice – however, there is no individual crime titled Obstruction of Justice. If you do not believe me, you can either read Chapter 843 or you can review the Law Enforcement and Clerk Arrest Tables found on the FDLE website.

Importantly, one of those 27 different statutes does list the next crime I am about to discuss, and which the Clueless Wonder mentions.

Resisting an Officer Without Violence

Resisting an Officer Without Violence is codified in Section 843.02, Florida Statutes. To violate the statute, you must “resist obstruct or oppose an law enforcement officer … in the lawful execution of any legal duty” without doing violence to the officer.

Now for the life of me I cannot even see where the Clueless Wonder is coming from on this one. The only legal duty that Tiger Woods was required to comply with was Section 316.062, Florida Statutes – “Duty to give information and render aid.”

Now this statute lists four specific things Tiger Woods was required to provide, which he did:

  1. Name,
  2. Address,
  3. Vehicle Registration,
  4. Driver License (Technically optional).

Now wait one second, I am sure the Clueless Wonder thinks Tiger had a DUTY to provide law enforcement with a confession just like Casey’s did (okay she lied) – but NO, Section 316.062 goes on to state:

The statutory duty of a person to make a report or give information to a law enforcement officer …relating to a crash shall not be construed as extending to information which would violate the privilege of such person against self-incrimination.

So call me crazy, but it appears Tiger complied with the letter of the law – not that I would expect the Clueless Wonder to know the law.

And “low” and behold, it appears the Clueless Wonder did not let me down, because here is his interpretation of this law as quoted on E! .

And for all those concerned, sports-loving citizens thinking that list seems like overkill, well, blame the finer points of Florida law.

Per Baez, citizens are not allowed to invoke their right to counsel during a traffic accident investigation, hence the possible obstruction of justice charge.

I could have sworn Section 316.062, Florida Statutes, says the exact opposite – but what does the law matter when you are High Profile Florida Criminal Attorney Jose Baez aka the Clueless Wonder!

Criminal Mischief

Criminal Mischief is codified in Section 806.13, Florida Statutes, as follows:

A person commits the offense of criminal mischief if he or she willfully and maliciously injures or damages by any means any real or personal property belonging to another…

Now the keywords there are willfully and maliciously (which basically means with evil purpose). So am I to believe that the Clueless Wonder really thinks Tiger Woods willfully drove into both a fire hydrant and a tree for some evil purpose?

Never mind. So lets move onto the Clueless Wonder’s final thought about Tiger’s possible charges.

Driving Under the Influence

DUI is codified in Section 316.19, Florida Statutes. Now here is what kills me about the Clueless Wonder’s comments on this particular crime being applicable, he provided a qualified statement: “possibly even driving under the influence.” Basically, he was saying this was the least likely of the crimes he listed to be applicable.

Let me tell you something; of all the hair-brained charges the Clueless Wonder mentioned, DUI is the only charge that is even remotely likely to apply. I mean really, when was the last time you drove your car into a tree at 3 a.m.

So how in the world could he qualify his beliefs as to the applicability of this charge. Oh, that is right – he is clueless.

So watch out ladies and gentleman or you too might find yourself being represented by THE CLUELESS WONDER!

To Catch a Tiger Chasing Tail

Nov 30th, 2009
by Richard Hornsby.
13 comments

Well, Tiger Woods sure has caused quite a stir – but from a legal perspective, I think the jurisdictional goof by the Florida Highway Patrol sticks out the most.

You see, Tiger Woods lives in an exclusive, private, community called Isleworth. What that means in layman’s terms is that the public is not allowed to drive on their finely paved roads (or play golf on their well manicured greens).

So where am I going with this? Me thinks FHP is starstruck and asserting jurisdiction they do not have. Specifically, Section 316.640, Florida Statutes, states:

316.640 Enforcement.–The enforcement of the traffic laws of this state is vested as follows:
(1) STATE.–
(a)1.a. The Division of Florida Highway Patrol …have authority to enforce all of the traffic laws of this state on all the streets and highways thereof and elsewhere throughout the state wherever the public has a right to travel by motor vehicle.
(2) COUNTIES.–
(a) The sheriff’s office … shall enforce all of the traffic laws of this state on all the streets and highways thereof and elsewhere throughout the county wherever the public has the right to travel by motor vehicle. In addition, the sheriff’s office may be required by the county to enforce the traffic laws of this state on any private or limited access road or roads over which the county has jurisdiction pursuant to a written agreement.

Now the best way I can bring this home for you is to give an analogy. If Tiger Woods lived on a 50 acre ranch (Isleworth is 600) and crashed his tractor into a tree (sans 9-iron wielding wife), everyone would agree that the Orange County Sheriff’s Office had jurisdiction – not the Florida Highway Patrol. So you need to think of the Isleworth enclave as a really fancy ranch (and for the historian buffs, it used to be an Orange Grove Plantation).

Now that we have established that FHP is snooping around where they have no business snooping, we must ask ourselves: what are they up to? Well here is what I think is going on.

FHP is justifying (in their minds) the medical records subpoena to further a “DUI investigation” (cough, cough – bull$h!t). They will say that they hope HealthSouth took a blood draw at the hospital – and the blood draw will show controlled substances (prescription or illegal) in his system that would justify a DUI charge. Never mind he likely was taking pain killers of some sort for his previous knee surgery.

But my unfaithful readers know better than to believe such an altruistic motive. What FHP is really hoping to obtain are incriminating statements in furtherance of – hold it, hold it – a domestic violence investigation.

See, under Section 90.803(4), Florida Statutes, a statement made to doctors in furtherance of medical diagnosis is admissible against the person who made the statement.

90.803  Hearsay exceptions; availability of declarant immaterial.

The provision of s. 90.802 to the contrary notwithstanding, the following are not inadmissible as evidence, even though the declarant is available as a witness:
..
4)  Statements for Purposes of Medical Diagnosis or Treatment.–Statements made for purposes of medical diagnosis or treatment by a person seeking the diagnosis or treatment, or made by an individual who has knowledge of the facts and is legally responsible for the person who is unable to communicate the facts, which statements describe medical history, past or present symptoms, pain, or sensations, or the inceptions or general character of the cause or external source thereof, insofar as reasonably pertinent to diagnosis or treatment.

So what is FHP hoping they will find out? They are hoping they will find the conversation with the treating doctor went something like this:

Doctor: So Mr. Woods, those are some nasty cuts you have there, mind telling me how you got them?

Tiger: Well, you see doc, my uber hot wife picked up this garbage gossip magazine that had a story about me smooching with this other chick on the side. She then grabbed a 9-Iron and started chasing me out of the house. I jumped in my Escalade and tried to escape with my life. As I was backing out I hit a fire-hydrant and then a tree. Right as she was about to kill me my neighbor came out (note to agent, Christmas is not far away) and saw her holding the 9-iron. She then acted like she was breaking out the windows to save me.

That is right unfaithful ones – I believe FHP is trying to make Tiger’s wife miserable by arresting his wife for Domestic Violence. Go figure.

So while everyone else is trying to figure out what is going on – you tell them you heard it here first.

p.s. For an interesting take on what went through Tiger’s mind when looking for a criminal lawyer, please read Brian Tannebaum’s blog entry: How Famous People Handle Problems, Like Car Accidents.