The Clueless Wonder Strikes Again

So it was brought to my attention that E! Online turned to High Profile Attorney Jose Baez for his opinion on the Tiger Woods case. (E!: So What Kind of Charges Could Tiger Woods Face?)

Now I would like to point out that E! attributed the source of the comments in their story to High Profile Florida Criminal Attorney Jose Baez. They did not show a picture, a link, or give an address – so I could be wrong about who the source for their article was, and because of this I will just refer to this Jose Baez as the Clueless Wonder for simplicity’s sake

In any event, I wish I could say I was shocked by the Clueless Wonder’s not-so-expert opinion, but let us just say I was not.

So before the world goes completely mad, I would like to discuss what the Clueless Wonder had to say. Let’s start with the first excerpt from their story: So What Kind of Charges Could Tiger Woods Face?.

High-profile Florida criminal attorney Jose Baez tells E! News that Woods’ seeming refusal to speak with FHP troopers could result in several misdemeanor charges, including obstruction of justice, resisting arrest without violence, criminal mischief and possibly even driving under the influence.

Now I don’t have a lot of time on my hands, but I am really beginning to think the Clueless Wonder does not even practice law in Florida, much less criminal law. Because a first year law student would know that the first three charges the Clueless Wonder cites would never apply to Tiger Woods’ situation.

But rather than just tell you, and expect you to believe me, I am going to break down each of the Clueless Wonder’s ridiculous responses.

Obstruction of Justice

Where do I start with this one. How about there is no crime called Obstruction of Justice in Florida – I swear on my comic books.

Rather, there are a group of crimes that fall under the category of Obstructing Justice. These individual crimes can be found in Chapter 843, Florida Statutes, which is ironically titled Obstructing Justice (No I am not kidding you).

Chapter 843 lists 27 different statutes which criminalize Obstructing Justice – however, there is no individual crime titled Obstruction of Justice. If you do not believe me, you can either read Chapter 843 or you can review the Law Enforcement and Clerk Arrest Tables found on the FDLE website.

Importantly, one of those 27 different statutes does list the next crime I am about to discuss, and which the Clueless Wonder mentions.

Resisting an Officer Without Violence

Resisting an Officer Without Violence is codified in Section 843.02, Florida Statutes. To violate the statute, you must “resist obstruct or oppose an law enforcement officer … in the lawful execution of any legal duty” without doing violence to the officer.

Now for the life of me I cannot even see where the Clueless Wonder is coming from on this one. The only legal duty that Tiger Woods was required to comply with was Section 316.062, Florida Statutes – “Duty to give information and render aid.”

Now this statute lists four specific things Tiger Woods was required to provide, which he did:

1. Name,
2. Address,
3. Vehicle Registration,
4. Driver License (Technically optional).

Now wait one second, I am sure the Clueless Wonder thinks Tiger had a DUTY to provide law enforcement with a confession just like Casey’s did (okay she lied) – but NO, Section 316.062 goes on to state:

The statutory duty of a person to make a report or give information to a law enforcement officer …relating to a crash shall not be construed as extending to information which would violate the privilege of such person against self-incrimination.

So call me crazy, but it appears Tiger complied with the letter of the law – not that I would expect the Clueless Wonder to know the law.

And “low” and behold, it appears the Clueless Wonder did not let me down, because here is his interpretation of this law as quoted on E! .

And for all those concerned, sports-loving citizens thinking that list seems like overkill, well, blame the finer points of Florida law.

Per Baez, citizens are not allowed to invoke their right to counsel during a traffic accident investigation, hence the possible obstruction of justice charge.

I could have sworn Section 316.062, Florida Statutes, says the exact opposite – but what does the law matter when you are High Profile Florida Criminal Attorney Jose Baez aka the Clueless Wonder!

Criminal Mischief

Criminal Mischief is codified in Section 806.13, Florida Statutes, as follows:

A person commits the offense of criminal mischief if he or she willfully and maliciously injures or damages by any means any real or personal property belonging to another…

Now the keywords there are willfully and maliciously (which basically means with evil purpose). So am I to believe that the Clueless Wonder really thinks Tiger Woods willfully drove into both a fire hydrant and a tree for some evil purpose?

Never mind. So lets move onto the Clueless Wonder’s final thought about Tiger’s possible charges.

Driving Under the Influence

DUI is codified in Section 316.19, Florida Statutes. Now here is what kills me about the Clueless Wonder’s comments on this particular crime being applicable, he provided a qualified statement: “possibly even driving under the influence.” Basically, he was saying this was the least likely of the crimes he listed to be applicable.

Let me tell you something; of all the hair-brained charges the Clueless Wonder mentioned, DUI is the only charge that is even remotely likely to apply. I mean really, when was the last time you drove your car into a tree at 3 a.m.

So how in the world could he qualify his beliefs as to the applicability of this charge. Oh, that is right – he is clueless.

So watch out ladies and gentleman or you too might find yourself being represented by THE CLUELESS WONDER!